When I walk I usually listen to a podcast on my phone. I particularly enjoy listening to Kris Vallotton from Bethel. His messages have depth and humor. A few weeks ago I was walking and listening to a message on Esther. He had concluded his message and was finishing up with prayer.
He stopped in the middle of his prayer with a Word from the Lord. He said that he felt like there was someone either there or listening to it streaming who had lost two babies to miscarriage. That this person was struggling when around infants and small children. He wanted to tell that person Jesus was working on healing their heart and walking with them.
God was reminding me that He was right there.
When my heart is breaking and I feel like I can’t get through the day…
When I want to stay in bed all day every day…
When I want to kick and scream and be angry…
When I am losing my patience with others…
When I feel like everyone but me is having healthy, happy babies…
God…God is right there, every step of the way.
He’s there when I find reasons to smile and laugh.
He’s there when I get out of bed and go for a walk.
He’s there when I turn to Him in prayer.
He’s there when I keep my cool.
He’s there when I hold babies and play with the toddlers at church. He’s there when I visit my nephew and He’s there in the beautiful daughter He gave me seven years ago.
Every day, He’s there, giving me strength, love, encouragement, and, most importantly, peace.
It’s been more than five months since Faith died. I spent the first week in a sort of shock and somewhat numb. Then, she was buried and the holidays were over. It was time to start moving on.
But I didn’t know how. I was living in a whole different world, in a world where I’d held my dead daughter in my arms without ever hearing her voice, seeing her smile, or letting go of her hand as she took her first steps. In a world where I’d never watch her graduate from college, walk down the aisle in a white gown, or give birth to her own children. All those dreams were gone and I was living in a world where I was a grieving mother. I could’ve lost it.
But God. I turned to Him. I asked Him what I needed to do. He directed my steps as I learned to navigate this new normal. He held my hand as He showed me the greater purposes in letting my babies die. He walked me through the loss of a second child less than three months after Faith, little Reese Day.
He never let me go. He shared my burden. He held me when I cried. He replaced an unimaginable grief with peace that surpasses all understanding.