When I walk I usually listen to a podcast on my phone. I particularly enjoy listening to Kris
Vallotton from Bethel. His messages have
depth and humor. A few weeks ago I was walking and
listening to a message on Esther. He had
concluded his message and was finishing up with prayer.
He stopped in the middle of his prayer with a Word from the
Lord. He said that he felt like there
was someone either there or listening to it streaming who had lost two babies
to miscarriage. That this person was
struggling when around infants and small children. He wanted to tell that person Jesus was
working on healing their heart and walking with them.
God
was reminding me that He was right there.
When my heart is breaking and I feel like I can’t get
through the day…
God
When I want to stay in bed all day every day…
God
When I want to kick and scream and be angry…
God
When I am losing my patience with others…
God
When I feel like everyone but me is having healthy, happy
babies…
God…God is right there, every step of the way.
He’s there when I find reasons to smile and laugh.
He’s there when I get out of bed and go for a walk.
He’s there when I turn to Him in prayer.
He’s there when I keep my cool.
He’s there when I hold babies and play with the toddlers at
church. He’s there when I visit my
nephew and He’s there in the beautiful daughter He gave me seven years ago.
Every day, He’s there, giving me strength, love,
encouragement, and, most importantly, peace.
It’s been more than five months since Faith died. I spent the first week in a sort of shock and
somewhat numb. Then, she was buried and
the holidays were over. It was time to
start moving on.
But I didn’t know how.
I was living in a whole different world, in a world where I’d held my
dead daughter in my arms without ever hearing her voice, seeing her smile, or
letting go of her hand as she took her first steps. In a world where I’d never watch her graduate
from college, walk down the aisle in a white gown, or give birth to her own
children. All those dreams were gone and
I was living in a world where I was a grieving mother. I could’ve lost it.
But God. I turned to
Him. I asked Him what I needed to
do. He directed my steps as I learned to
navigate this new normal. He held my
hand as He showed me the greater purposes in letting my babies die. He walked me through the loss of a second
child less than three months after Faith, little Reese Day.
He never let me go.
He shared my burden. He held me
when I cried. He replaced an
unimaginable grief with peace that surpasses all understanding.
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